


I'm heavy, but I feel frail

by jaeyoonijagi



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm, fluff??? idk, idk who will show up tbh, mainly focused on taeyong and johnny, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-02-16 04:52:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13046889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeyoonijagi/pseuds/jaeyoonijagi
Summary: Being the visual of NCT has its impact on the leader.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING. Has got to do with eating disorders, more so Anorexia than any other. 
> 
> If you or someone you know have or might have an eating disorder or distorted eating habits, know that help is available. DM on social media and I'll send you a hotline in your country.  
> Twitter: Jaeyoonijagi  
> Tumblr: notugly-justpredebut.tumblr.com  
> Tumblr 2: jaeyoonijagi.tumblr.com  
> Tumblr 3: taemarkly.tumblr.com  
> Asianfanfics: OhSoInglorious 
> 
> Never assume you aren't sick enough for treatment, every time you say believe so you're digging your grave both deeper and faster. They are, after all, a sort of slow suicide. 
> 
> Always take care! <3 
> 
>  
> 
> These chapters will both be related and not sort of, like you can read any chapter without having read the others and still sort of understand, however, reading this first part is recommended. 
> 
> It's purely fiction, I'm not trying to claim something.

Taeyong was used to hearing he was handsome. Hell, people told him his visuals were out of this world and wouldn't hide how openly they admired his face. And Taeyong would smile, possibly hide his face, and thank them for their words, wishing for them to leave him be at that. It's not that he didn't appreciate the attention or anything like that, he simply found it wasn't true. He couldn't recall ever liking his own body, whether it'd be his face or overall body. That's why he one day decided to stop eating.   
It wasn't hard at first, he had his determination with him and he was used to dieting anyway from being an idol. He figured cutting his daily 1500 to 1000 wouldn't hurt him badly, quite the contrary he expected it to help him. He wasn't sure if the others picked up on his behavior, but if they did they did not mention it. Staying at 1000 calories became harder and harder as time went by though. Because no matter what he ate, his energy levels just couldn't keep up and long hours of dancing did not help one tiny bit. Neither did being the cook at the dorm. If he could decide by himself, he'd stay away from food altogether but letting his fellow members starve was not an option. He loved them too much for such stupid behaviors. 

The major problem was brought on when the group found out they would have two months to prepare for a comeback. That's when he decided to cut his daily calorie intake from 1000 to a maximum of 500. He wanted to look great for this comeback. He was also told his hair was going to be dyed a pastel baby pinkish color, and what would be better than said hair framing a sharp jaw? Besides, he read some comments on their older live performances of fans thinking he gained a little too much weight. He would prove them wrong. He would be the best he could be.

The day after the announcement, he found himself cooking breakfast for the others when Youngho came and hugged him from behind, pressing a subtle kiss on the shorter's neck.   
"Good morning.", his voice rasped out, sending chills down Taeyong's spine.   
"Good morning."  
"What are you making?"  
"Just some kimbap."  
"Sounds amazing."  
When the younger was done, he moved towards the sink to wash his hands, Youngho not hesitating to following him. As Taeyong turned around, the older trapped him between himself and the sink.   
"Hi.", Taeyong whispered, to wish Youngho answered with a smile and equally quiet 'hi'. Taeyong brought his hands up to the taller's neck, bringing him down so their foreheads touched in an eskimo kiss. Soon enough their noses were touching and their lips were millimeters from touching when they were interrupted.   
"Guys! Not in the kitchen!", a groaning Dongyoung was standing in the doorway, hands covering his eyes. "Keep it in your room, gosh!"  
Taeyong couldn't help but smile when leaning up to kiss his older boyfriend softly. He felt said man's hand leave the sink as the started to caress the skin under his t-shirt.   
"Why are you like this?", Dongyoung asked as he grabbed a plate of the counter where the leader had prepared all food before sitting down at the table and starting to eat.   
"I'll go get ready.", Taeyong said as he pecked his lover's lips before leaving the kitchen.   
"Yah, you didn't eat yet!"  
Taeyong froze and turned back. "I ate before preparing."  
"Ahh, okay.", Youngho said, rubbing his neck after realizing he almost shouted at the other. Taeyong just smiled and left to shower. 

Once in the bathroom, he made sure the door was locked before getting undressed and brushing his teeth. He had already brushed his teeth once that morning, when he woke up but if the others heard it, they might believe he actually ate something. He brought out the scale they rarely used and stepped on it, anxious to see the number. He had a goal of weighing 50 kilograms in two months, hopefully he wasn't too heavy to meet those standards already.   
63 kilograms.   
That wasn't possible. Last comeback he was 59 kilograms. How could he have gained so much in such little time? He really needed to do something before it was too late. Stepping into the shower and eyeing his body up and down, he couldn't help but feel desperate.   
_Two months, Tae...two months._


	2. I swear it's not by choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some days are just harder than others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set way after the phase of the first one. While the first one was in the beginning of developing an eating disorder through distorted eating habits, this one would be more at the start of recovery.

Dinner was a cozy time in the NCT dorm. All members ate together, units not relevant, which was rare, dinner was the only time it happened, therefore everyone enjoyed it. Except for Taeyong. On the other hand, what meal is enjoyable when food is the enemy?  
"Are you not hungry, hyung?", Jisung asked from beside him and immediately several members of the 127 unit looked at their leader. It was not a secret to the older members that he had a severe problem with food.   
"Uhm, not really."  
"Do you feel ill?", Taeil asked the leader, hidden meaning asking if he was feeling triggered by something. He felt Youngho's hand grip his from under the table, thumb stroking the upside of his hand carefully.   
"I'm just full, that's all."  
"But you usually eat a lot more, how can you be full now?"  
Taeyong inhaled shakingly and bit his bottom lip. Youngho tightened his hold on the younger's hand, eyes fearful.   
"Sometimes I also feel different, don't you?", Yoonoh tried with, not wanting to know what was going on inside the leader's head. He really admired how the older kept everything together and forced a smile for the younger members.   
"But my appetite also never changes.", Mark pointed out, Donghyuck agreeing.   
Yoonoh kept reasoning with the youngers, but Youngho couldn't find himself to listen to whatever words he used to beat around the bush, his focus was set entirely on his boyfriend, who from time to time leant his head back and blinked profusely, which Youngho knew meant he was blinking away tears. The conversation topic changed and the rest of the meal went by with the members leaving after they were done. In the end, only Taeyong, Yoonoh and Youngho were in the kitchen, a heavy tension in the room.   
"I don't want the rest."  
"Please baby. Can't you eat a little more? It doesn't have to be all."  
Taeyong faced him with fearful eyes. Youngho sent him a soft smile, putting his hand at the back of the younger's head, leaning forward and pressed a kiss between his eyebrows.   
"Do it for me."  
Taeyong looked at the food, blinked a few times and picked up his chopsticks and slowly ate half of what was left, before putting them down.   
"I'm so proud of you.", Youngho told him, wrapping an arm around the other's shoulder, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek.   
"I think we should watch a movie.", Yoonoh started.   
"Can I shower first?", Taeyong asked.   
"Sure, ready in 20?"  
Taeyong nodded and stood up. He practically ran to his room, got a quick change of clothes and went into the bathroom. He put the shower on full force and lifted the toilet lid, staring down in the water. It had been a long time. He leaned forward, bending over the toilet as his fingers entered his mouth slowly, moving further back every millisecond. Finally he reached that one spot he was looking for and he retched. He kept trying for three more times until it worked at his fourth time. Unidentified food particles met his sight, a smell so nasty it made his eyes water, entering the room.   
He didn't stop until he felt satisfied. Until nothing but a thick gray bile came up and he was breathing heavily. Bringing out the scale from under the sink, he removed his clothes and stepped on it. He released a breath he didn't know he was holding and looked at the number.   
55 kilograms.   
He was about to cry.   
"Youngho will not want you anymore, fatass.", he whispered to himself and then snapped his head up.   
Youngho would be so disappointed he broke their promise. He promised he fucked up his eating habits.   
He went into the shower, not scared of letting tear after tear run down his face, mixing with the water. As he washed his body, he couldn't help but dig his nails into his flesh, pulling and dragging his nails in all directions, skin starting to feel number and number. After using schampoo and conditioner (all while pulling his hair roughly), he stepped out and got dressed without looking in the mirror. He noticed how red his skin already was, both form his nails and the hot water. His throat was on fire and everything tasted like hell. Picking up his toothbrush, he hoped the fresh minty toothpaste would save him, or else he'd be in trouble. As long as Youngho didn't notice, he didn't care. 

A few minutes later he found himself in the living room with the others, head against Youngho's strong chest. Youngho had his face buried in the younger's hair, arm around a thin waist. After the movie ended, Youngho stood up to go to the bathroom, leaning in to give Taeyong a quick peck but to his surprise, the younger turned his head, Youngho's lips therefore meting his cheek instead. The following ten seconds they just stared at each other before the older excused himself and left. Taeyong went into their shared bedroom, ready to fall asleep then and there when Youngho came in, a worried look plastered on his face. Taeyong frowned.   
"What's wrong?"  
Youngho didn't answer, he just went and sat beside the younger on the bed.   
"Taeyong-ah?"  
"Yes?"  
"Can you answer me honestly?"  
"I-I suppose."  
"Did you make yourself sick?"  
Taeyong was taken aback. How could he ask that? How could he suspect that? Taeyong was sure he left no traces in the bathroom.   
"I- How, what, ehm no?"  
Youngho's face fell. It made Taeyong's façade break. He felt tears well up in his eyes, head getting painful from all sobs he tried to surpress. Youngho said nothing. He just pulled his younger lover into his arms and stroke his back, words of comfort leaving his lips in a practiced but genuine manner.   
"It's okay, honey."  
"I'm sorry.", the younger kept rambling over and over.  
"Don't worry your beautiful mind, sweetie."  
It took almost fifteen minutes for his tears to stop running.   
"Is it what happened at dinner?"  
He nodded and felt fresh tears lining up in his waterline, ready to fall. He didn't want to let them, Youngho's shirt was wet enough already.   
"Sorry about your shirt."  
Taeyong hated his voice after crying, because his nose got stuffed, his voice sounded as if he gained fifty pounds. Or maybe that was just him who gained that.   
"Don't apologize. I shouldn't have let you into the bathroom alone to begin with."  
Youngho kissed his boyfriend's forehead, letting his lips linger for a few seconds, then he grabbed the other's face between his hands, making sure to look him in the eyes.   
"How are you feeling?"  
"I wanna sleep."  
Youngho dragged the younger against him and laid down, stroking both his hair and back. He pressed a soft kiss on the other's forehead.   
"Get some rest, honey."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi where can I get me someone like Youngho???
> 
> ALSO should I refer to Mark as Mark or Minyoung?? What makes you more comfortable? I mean, I use Youngho instead of Johnny or John...idk what do you think?


	3. and i stand alone until you catch on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's something short I wrote just this week. This is also set kind of during recovery. Unrelated to the second part but sort of related to the first (all are sort of related to the first, I suppose).
> 
> Completely unrelated, I am more than ready for the release of the album, I'm going to pre-order it actually, what about you? A short moment to welcome Lucas and Jungwoo who debuted now, and also Kun who will be active. Been waiting to see more after the NCT Life in Seoul + the Chinese version of Without You.

Johnny had been looking forward to the release of “BOSS” after seeing all teasers and hearing stories from his members about Ukraine. He didn’t expect to feel so empty when it was over. It was a great song, the choreography was tight and everyone looked fantastic. But a certain leader scared him.

 

He had been in an established relationship with said leader since predebut days, and being put in NCT 127 made it easier to take care of the younger. It had taken him a year into their relationship to realize the problem his boyfriend had with food. It was just a strange thought, why would Taeyong, who had an amazing body, eat such little and work himself to the point of being ready to faint?

 

Then came “Baby Don’t Stop”, where his heart dropped harder than the bass. As most Kpop videos, there were changing in outfits and styling, where as one outfit change had Taeyong and Chittaphon in tank tops and jeans, but also one where their chests were bare. He knew Chittaphon was naturally skinny, just like Taeyong, only problem was that Chittaphon didn’t have a problem with food. 

 

This all caused him to visit them at the NCT building during practice. He had told Chittaphon he’d go visit them during dance practice, which had the other breathing out in relief. 

“Talk some sense into your dude, man.”

“What do you mean?”

“I asked him to come eat with me, but he barely ate half of a goddamn salad but still insisted he could go all in at dance practice.”

So the situation was really bad.

 

He met Chittapon in the corridor, having texted the other he was coming and Chittaphon refusing to be in the same room. 

“It would be really awkward, what if you two do some inappropriate things? Should I just stay there watching?”

Johnny facepalmed.    
“You’re too much. Go home now, I’m bringing Tae to lunch and then home.”

“Ooooh!”, Ten wiggled his eyebrows, Johnny hitting his arm. 

“Manager was okay with you two being free for the afternoon, but if you continue I’ll make sure he has you practicing until midnight.”

Chittaphon gasped. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I would. Now get your ass out of here.”

They walked separate ways when the other called on Johnny.

“I hope it goes well!”

Johnny smiled at the other.

“Yeah. Have a nice afternoon, idiot.”

 

He could faintly hear the music from inside. Johnny opened the door and entered.

“Ten, I swear-”, when the redhair turned around he was not faced with the Thai member he had a duet with, but rather his boyfriend from Chicago. 

“Nice to see you too, honey.”

“What are you doing here?”, he sounded surprised, but not disappointed, much to Johnny’s happiness. Johnny walked closer to the younger, hands gripping his hips, stroking the ever so prominent hip bones. This was not good. 

“I will bring you out to lunch and then we’ll go home chilling, doing whatever comes to mind.”

“What? We can’t, I have to practice, Ten should be back any-”

“I sent him home already.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry, I talked to the manager.”

The other wrapped his arms around Johnny’s neck. 

“Can’t we just go home then?”

“Why? I wanna go on a date with you.”

“It could be a date at home too.”

“Taeyong. I thought you had gotten better.”

The other’s eyes widened. “I-I…”

“How much did you lose this time?”

The other tried to pull away, Johnny only letting him get a few centimeters away.

“Answer the question.”   
“I don’t want to.”

“Doesn’t matter, how much did you lose?”

“Youngho, stop.”

Johnny sighed, pulling the other closer, noses brushing together. 

“I’ll put you on a scale if you don’t answer me. Don’t make me carry you there.”

Taeyong let out a shaky breath. 

“Well?”

“Only five kilos.”

Johnny tightened his jaw, and straightened his back. 

“Why?”

“I didn’t want to look too fat beside Ten.”

“We’ve been over this so many times, hon, you wouldn’t lo-”

“Have you seen Ten? He looks like a fucking model.”

“Have you seen yourself? Continue and you’ll be a skeleton instead.”

The younger refused to meet his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Will you please go out and eat with me? I won’t force something heavy on you, I promise.”

“I don’t...I’m sweaty.”

“We’ll shower. Come on, babe, look at me. Hey, it’s okay.”

“I just...Why can’t it wait until after promotion?”

“We can go out then too.”

“I really can’t afford to gain-”

Johnny cut him off by smashing their lips together. He let them stay glued for almost ten seconds before pulling back. 

“And when we get back to the dorm, we’ll cuddle in my bed and watch a movie on your Mac while sharing a blanket. Sounds good?”

Taeyong smiled softly at the ground, to which Johnny grabbed his chin to lift to face the deep brown doe eyes. 

“Sounds good.”

Johnny smiled. “Let’s go then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA FOR THIS RANDOM COLLECTION OF TAEYONG DEALING WITH THIS GODFORSAKEN DISORDER
> 
> Hmu, either here, on Twitter (jaeyoonijagi), on Tumblr (notugly-justpredebut.tumblr.com) or Snapchat (salamiipnida)! I would love to take requests at this point haha


	4. HERE'S HOW IT WILL BE

Soooooo what I've written is not at all based on these small drabbles, but before you get mad over how I've waited for such a long time to say it, **I have written a brand new** , that might have hints from here and there from these three drabbles. And it's chaptered, with chapters in correct order as they should be. **AND ALL SUGGESTIONS REGARDING PLOT ARE PRESENT** , so technically you'll know what will happen but at the same time I've squeezed in some surprises here and there and given some characters a bigger role (MUCH BIGGER).

I have yet to finish the whole story, I only have about 6 chapters ready to publish and most of the chapters will only be around 1000 words, but I sincerely hope these 1000 words can get your thoughts in full motion regarding the subject. As for the surprise, it's not much of surprise surprise, it's just something you can try to figure out before it is revealed in whatever chapter it will be.

In all honesty, if I were to continue writing this fic like I've done, it could seriously end up at 40 chapters. Though, I doubt that will happen, as of now I'd say...15-30 somewhere (great description). It is very unclear to me now, it completely depends on where I want it to end when I get further into it.

 

I WILL DELETE THE OTHER AUTHOR NOTE THING I HAVE HERE, and keep this here for a while, I will not delete this story, in fact, I might come up with things that won't fit with the story and publish as a separate one shot instead and here is where it'll end up. 

 

 **THE FIRST CHAPTER WILL BE PUBLISHED ON TUESDAY** next week (5th of June) aka 50 days after the 15th of April when I closed the requests. This chapter will not be very ED related, because it's set back in 2012 when Johnny first met Taeyong. It might not seem like an important part and might come across as a waste, but it definitely isn't. Also, it's written from Johnny's POV, but I might write a one-shot based on what goes on in Taeyong's head when he gets as sick as he does (VERY important to understand when it comes to EDs).

I will **update once a week** , at some point on **every Tuesday** , probably when it's night where I live. I have yet to find a name for the story, and I'm thinking about making a playlist that keeps my inspiration up and link to things I watch that get my ideas going?? Not sure, we'll see about that~

I hope you look forward to this, because I sure do! Take care for now, I hope to see you on Tuesday! <3


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